Wrong Roads

Life is full of choices. Each day we make choices that will impact our day and sometimes impact our future. Several months ago I was faced with a decision I never thought I would have to be faced with. This choice I had to make changed the course of my future and is the reason behind my blogging goals.

I hope that by sharing my story I can help others understand the 'why' behind our decision and maybe comfort someone going through something similar.

Rewind several months....I was working full-time as a Practice Administrator for a large oral surgery practice making decent money while my husband, Benjamin, was working full-time as a Parks Supervisor for a nearby city also making decent money. Our kids were in daycare full-time and loved it. We were actively involved in our faith and felt spiritually strong. Everything was working out splendidly, we felt so blessed.

Until everything starting falling apart piece by piece.

It was like one day everything was fine and dandy and the next day it wasn't. I felt like I lost every positive bone in my body. I was hard on my kids and on my husband, I was judgmental of my friends and family and I lost my desire for success in my career.  I felt like I didn't even know myself and that scared me. Almost immediately I started evaluating my life. It was then that I realized we were living our life at an unhealthy pace.

The next several months I spent in tears nearly every day. Until one day I broke.

I remember the day so vividly. I never fight with my spouse, ever. That day we were discussing some frustrations I had about work and he tried to solve my problem. I snapped back at him like I never have before then got up and walked away.

I spent the next several hours on my knees. Praying, crying, listening. Praying, crying, listening. Then I had the most spiritual experience I have ever had. It is still very sacred to me so let's just say I knew then and there that our Father in Heaven and our Savior Jesus Christ knew what I was going through and I knew everything would be okay. Most importantly I got an answer, SIMPLIFY.

We probably simplified in the most complicated way possible.

As we weighed our options, I selfishly made it clear that I would not leave my current job or step down unless we left the state. Ridiculous, right?  Yes, yes it was. Several prayers and pros and cons lists later, we decided to leave the state. Our goal was to move to the East Coast where we both have family and somewhere we could purchase a large plot of land to hopefully start a ranch one day. As luck would have it, I was offered a job at my alma mater in Virginia. That made our decision for us, we were moving to Virginia!

I was beside myself with excitement. I was sure this was right! We both were.

Fast forward to moving day, we said goodbye to all of our friends and family, loaded up our Budget truck and drove away from our first home we purchased together. The drive to Virginia was uneventful. I was thankful to have my mom in the truck with me traveling behind the Budget truck. The kids did amazing on the drive and seemed to actually enjoy it. Our final night we stayed in West Virginia only a couple of hours from our final destination. The last day of driving had finally arrived. Our final destination was in site.

As we pulled up to the new place we had planned to call home, a sense of disappointment overcame me. "This isn't what I expected," I thought. As quickly as that thought entered my mind I put a smile on my face because 2,000 miles is a long way to now be disappointed. That feeling of disappointment was just the beginning. Shortly after we arrived, a neighbor decided it would be kind to come yell at us for where we parked our Budget truck. Such a pleasant greeting. Typical glitches in a big move, right?

I kept telling myself, "we've got this, we can do it."

What happened next would completely change the course of our lives. As my mom and I started cleaning, I noticed Benjamin was no where to be found. I quietly stepped away to find him. I walked up the stairs to find him staring blankly out one of the bedroom windows. Tears were streaming down his cheeks. I knew something was wrong, terribly wrong.

Leaving the kids with my mom we took a walk around the neighborhood. For the first little while we walked in silence. Looking back now I think I knew what was coming and I wasn't sure I was ready to face it. 'I don't think we can stay here but I want you to be happy so I want to support you in your career. I want to help you fulfill your dreams of working at your alma mater. I don't know what to do.' Those words still ring in my ears as if I heard them yesterday.

Wait, what? How? We prayed and it felt so right. Everything fell into place so perfectly. We just drove thousands of miles to get here. We sold our home. We quit our jobs. We had no other choice.

My response was the complete opposite of how I would have logically responded, I looked at Benjamin and said, 'My family is my dream.'

Before we were able to finish our conversation we got called back to our house to speak with our landlord. Benjamin accepted the keys so I thought everything was back on track. I didn't know what else to say or do. I saw no other choice but to make it work.

Again, Benjamin disappeared. This time I found him staring blankly into the back of a fully loaded Budget truck. Our entire lives in one truck. I quietly walked to his side, grabbed his hand and before I realized what I was saying I whispered, 'The truck is still loaded, let's go home.'

The immediate change in his countenance was irrefutable. It was as if I had just lifted a weight off of his shoulders. It was then that I knew we wouldn't be staying in Virginia. It was then that I realized God had a different plan for our family. We stood at the back of the truck talking about what provoked such a strong emotional reaction. Not to get too personal (you'll have to go to him for details) but what it boils down to is some underlying emotional health issues that were triggered by our arrival. I knew we had a choice, a career or the success of our family. I chose my family.

Benjamin insisted that we discuss the matter with my mom before we made a final decision. He still wasn't convinced that we should leave but he was definitely convinced we shouldn't stay. He was so conflicted. My mom was more than gracious to hear us out and as a good mom would tried talking us into staying for awhile to try it out. She knew we ultimately had to make the decision.

Three days later we were back in Utah. Homeless, jobless and humbled. Here we are four months later fulfilling goals and dreams we never thought we'd have the opportunity to fulfill.

Of the many things that I learned from this experience these are the top three:

1. God has a plan for my life. In fact, God has a plan for all of our lives. This video from LDS.org explains on a smaller scale exactly what we experienced. I'm thankful for the choice we made because now I know without a doubt we are where God needs us to be.

2. It is not my place to pass judgement on other people's life decisions. This was a tough and deeply personal decision we made. The 'why' behind what we did is challenging to put into words. I did my best here to share some of the 'why' but some of you may never fully understand the true reasons, and that is okay. So to those of you making big decisions struggling to share the 'why' know that I support you.

3. I need to be and can be a more attentive homemaker. For the first time in my life I have found deep and meaningful purpose in fulfilling my role as a wife and mother. This purpose is the reason behind my blogging endeavors.

I hope to take you all with me on my journey as I discover homemaking and develop my nest.